I woke up this morning with a massive case of the blahs.
More specifically, I had a dream about being in Europe...and damn it if it didn't throw me into a funk for the entire day. I miss that place, those adventures, more than I can ever describe. I go through this about once a year, and feel the same way, and just ache and ache for youth and wildness and adventure and freedom. I don't know if it's because I was at a personal low before I went and it turned me around, or because everything felt so exciting all the time, or because the people I met there remain, to this day, some of my very best friends on the planet, but I would literally give everything, anything, to get back there and feel that way again.
Maybe it's also because the summer is winding down, and I don't want it to end. Life feels like it's changing a lot around here. I'm back at my job (thankyougod) in September, but I'm giving up coaching cheer. It was time for me to step away, for a whole big list of reasons. I'm feeling a little sad about the end of a chapter, but for the most part, the sadness has been overwhelmed by a giant sense of relief. Doug and I are coming up on our one year anniversary, and we're talking family and babies, which is thrilling and terrifying all at once. Can I be brutally honest? There's a huge part of me that feels like life just ends when you have children. I don't mean that in a horrible I-hate-babies kind of way, because the truth couldn't be more opposite. I love children. I desperately want to have children. I have awful child-envy for my friends' little ones. But then, I think to myself: I didn't get back to Europe (though I should be grateful I got to go at all). I didn't finish writing a book. What about driving across the country? Seeing California? What about living a big life filled with adventure? What about all those things that I promised myself I would do, see, be, experience? Does anyone else feel the same? Advice?
Sometimes I think my dreams of what I want to happen are hindered by my need to over-plan everything and my raging jealousy of what other people are doing with their lives. I gave myself a big long speech on this blog about living in the moment and being grateful for what I have a few months ago. Yet, here I am, wishing for the life I haven't lived yet. Sigh. I'm hopeless.
In productive news, I managed to tackle some of the summer list I posted about a month ago. To date, the vines are out of the front (huzzah!)
BEFORE:
DURING:
There's an after that I'll add once I actually take a picture, with flowers and mulch...but again, sheer laziness has set in. Moving on...
I'm winding down on my statistics course (and pulling down a 100 average, heck yes!). We've gotten in touch with a contractor and should be moving along with the basement repair soon. The organization...well, I planned to do that today, so you can see how well that's working out for me (side note: it's now Thursday. I still haven't touched it, though I have read two books this week. Priorities!). We got Oscar a bark collar that literally changed him into the dog of my dreams overnight. It was miraculous. On the baking front, we're booking a table at the CV Craft Show and plan to debut some new delicious treats there (Maybe with a new business name. Thoughts?).
As for writing, I've been failing at that. I don't know what my roadblock is, but every time I sit down to do it, I find something else to do. Same with exercise. Oops.
I'm hoping before the summer ends, I can get to NYC to see a long-lost friend, plan a trip to see my bestest long-distance girl in the G-Raggedy for sometime before 2012 and the end of the world, pull myself together and WRITE already, and really, truly, get rid of the junk in our house.
For today, I'm doing really well at #8 on the original list...and maybe checking out airfare to England.
