Today, I was told my position has the very real possibility of being eliminated for next year.
The long version: my position is abolished unless some kind of miracle happens where the district finds some money. Which probably won't happen. But it could. Maybe.
I had sneaking suspicion this was coming--I am one of the last hired, my department has been largely untouched by cuts in other years, it was feasible, if not desirable, to run the school without me in it.
I know that my school needs to make cuts, I get that we can't continue the way we always have. But oh my...I never thought I would be doing this, feeling this, dealing with this. It's a unique feeling, being told you don't have a job. It makes you feel helpless and lawless and panicked...and then the denial sets in...and then the despair hits. It was like going through stages of grief.
In short, I am freaking. out. I had a good, long, hard cry today. Many of my colleagues came up to me, hugged me, cried with me. Their support means so much, but it's hard to hear "everything happens for a reason". I'm sure it does. I just can't see it right now.
I went to college for four years. I earned my Masters degree--I have the loan payment each month to prove it. I got a job before I graduated near my hometown, then moved to a better, closer position the very next year. This year is my tenure year, that special status that doesn't mean much, really, but makes you feel secure. I love my job. I love my co-workers and the kids. I feel comfortable at my school. I am a "yes" girl...name the committee, I'm on it. I come early, stay late. I coach a Varsity sport. I'm passionate about what I do. I won a grant for this summer, to implement next year. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but the point is...I feel like I did everything I could to prove the worth of my position. So how did this happened to me? And even bigger, scarier, worse: What the heck am I going to do now?
I am scared. I'm a kind of scared I've never been before. I never, ever, ever thought that I would be here, with a mortgage and a college loan and bills and facing the idea of unemployment.What if I don't find a job? What if I don't have insurance and something happens to us? What if we have to sell our home? How will we make ends meet? My husband and I are responsible. We work hard, and save money as much as we can. We plan for the future, don't live outside our means. Yesterday, were talking about planning a trip to Canada and starting a family. Today we're talking about how to make ends meet with over half of our joint income gone.
I hope this blog makes me feel better. At the least I don't feel as helpless. I know it could be worse--it is worse for many of my co-workers that got the same message I did. For now, I have to just wait and see...and start job hunting. I'm not sure what I'll find in this area, everyone's in the same boat. Layoffs are everywhere and my position isn't mandated by the state. I won't know for sure until April, and in the words of a smart co-worker, "You're young. Keep your chin up.". But it doesn't look good.
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