Sunshine and pastry

Today has shaped up to be such a fabulous day.
It started with a trip to our favorite diner and then the farmer's market, which is my all-time favorite Saturday morning activity. Doug and I bought some new herbs for the garden (lemon basil and parsley, to join the sweet basil, sage, lavender, and mint), some amazing raw milk cheddar, and eggs. After coming back home to laze around in the sunshine, putz in the garden, and plant our new goodies, we came inside to cool off. Too keyed up to take a nap, I decided to bake something new while Doug snoozed.

This is what I came up with: Homemade. Pop. Tarts.
I saw the recipe a few months ago on Smitten Kitchen, and have been itching to try them since. I followed the recipe fairly closely, subbing out 1/2 cup of whole wheat flour for part of the white, and I used Sarabeth's Strawberry Raspberry jam for the filling. I'm toying with whipping up a quick glaze to finish them off, though I think that might defeat the purpose of making a healthier pop tart. They are soooo fabulous, and I don't have a total guilt trip about shoving them in my mouth because the ingredients are 1. recognizable 2. pronounceable 3. as healthy as you can get with a pop tart (flour, sugar, salt, eggs, milk, butter, jam) Yum.

I hate to waste, so with the leftover dough and jam mixture, I decided to make some pies on a stick, another venture I've been dying to try. They were so easy! I just rolled out the dough, cut it out with some sweet little cookie cutters, brushed it with some egg, placed the stick, and put a little dollop of filling in the center. Then, I covered the bottom portion with another cutout, sealed and pressed with a fork...baked for about 20 minutes and...voila! I think next time I might sprinkle with a little sugar or try a different filling (like, oh, I don't know...an actual pie filling?). I like my pie to be sweet, and these ended up tasting a little understated using the pop tart ingredients. Still, they were super tasty!

I was so pleased with how they came out, and I'm dying to make another batch soon.
At this point, I just can't wait for summer so I can bake my little heart out. This is the first summer I have no plans to work (I'm usually holding down about 3 jobs a summer) so the game plan is to bliss out with Sarah doing DIY projects, remodeling the bathroom, and cooking up a storm...while figuring out what next year will bring. Sigh. It's so close I can taste it.

This makes my heart hurt

Please read this heart-wrenching post from Mizz Murphy at The Library is Not a Fruit.

While you're at it, read this one, too, from one of my all-time favorites, Joyce Valenza at her blog NeverEnding Search.

And this news article, by Hector Tobar at the L.A. Times, details the situation even further.

What's happening in LA a complete and total mockery of logical decision making, and it makes me fear for the future. It seems the LAUSD is subjecting their teacher-librarians to trials in order to prevent them from transitioning back into a classroom. TRIALS. What the heck is this about? Does this sound totally insane to anyone else?

From my understanding, the LAUSD is cutting their librarians. According to the system of senority and tenure, those with the most seniority are allowed to stay. Librarians are required to hold teaching certificates in addition to their librarian certificate, so they are, by right, qualified to be placed in a classroom, and should have seniority over some of their colleagues if they have several years in the system. And yet, they are being told they are not qualified to teach, and interrogated in the most disrespectful of ways to try to prove they are not qualified. Hence the trials.

It gets more complex. According to their current system in place, if a teacher has been out of the classroom for more than 5 years, they aren't allowed to return, despite seniority. According to Mizz Murphy's blog, the original intent for this was to prevent near-retirement, long removed teachers from returning to a school environment that had become foreign in their absence.

She says it much better than I am able...

"The logic behind the recency rule seems to be based on poor decision making from last year. LAUSD sent scores of people into classrooms who had been sitting in cubicles for ages. These were people with dusty old teaching credentials, waiting for retirement in the cool, air-conditioned Beaudry building in downtown LA...When layoffs began, these educators were saved because of their time served, but their office positions were cut and they went back to school for the first time in who knows how long. This did not go well.... So this year, LAUSD got wise. Make a rule that says that if you haven’t been in a classroom for five years, you can’t be in one ever again. No more problem, right?"

Except, well...BIG problem, as she goes on to elaborate. This has swiftly mutated to something very much other than the original reasoning: In the eyes of the LAUSD, the library is not technically a classroom, and librarians are not technically teachers (although according to Mizz Murphy, their contracts say otherwise). What a disgrace. This is a perfect case of how standardizing a rule to the extreme can swiftly spiral out of control when we stop thinking about what the rule was intended for in the first place.

To make things worse, the questions they are asking the librarians to answer are unbelievably asinine. To assert that the Dewey Decimal System is numerical, so librarians couldn't possibly have adequate knowledge of ELA is laughable. To imply that librarians do not teach is grossly disturbing.

It seems that they are creating a bunch of B.S. to reach an end goal of getting rid of librarians. They're hiding behind this crazy process of discrediting a whole group of people, forcing them to defend their competency, so they don't have to come right out and reveal their motives. Haven't they been observed by administrators? Haven't they been doing their job, and doing it well? If this is a question of meeting a bottom line, or balancing a budget, then please, do them a favor and be honest. To do otherwise is scary, and in the words of my husband, "dangerous thinking". I'm inclined to agree.

It seems the plight of the library media specialist is growing exponentially...almost as quickly as new technology explodes on the scene. When will those in charge realize that library media specialists hold the key to harnessing the power of new technology? When will it become clear that we are discrediting these invaluable resources of information literacy when we need them more than ever? I was devastated over my job, but at least I didn't have to endure this.

My heart goes out to you, colleagues. Chins up, stay strong. My thoughts are with you.

Life off track.

I am at a total, complete, all-encompassing crossroads in my life.

This weekend, we went to Boston to celebrate Allie's graduation from Northeastern. It felt so good to get away. I think I'm a lot in love with that city, mostly because it reminded me a little of Europe and how I felt when I was there, full of promise. Boston is clean, and historic, and exciting.

It feels like opportunity, vibrancy, potential. Seeing those new graduates, fresh-faced and ready to take on the world, felt like that, too.

It made where I'm at right now even more poignant.

In the past few weeks, I've come to realize that I'm teetering on a very precarious edge. There are days when I come home from work and simply cannot stop crying. There's also days when I can pretend that June isn't imminent, and I'm OK. I think if I wasn't an innately positive person, I would be in a full-blown depression. That's pretty scary for me to put out there. When I say I'm worried about the future, that's true, but I think it's more than that. I'm afraid that I'm not living up to my potential. I'm afraid that I've sold myself short by opting for safe, predictable routes all my life and now the universe is figuratively shaking me, urging me to wake up. I opted to take the route of school librarianship because it seemed interesting and I like children, and it was supposed to be stable, afford me a great schedule, and let me proceed in a nice orderly fashion possibly to a job in administration someday. It was easy. It was non-threatening. There were no big risks involved. And what the hell did it get me? Certainly not stability. Certainly not predictability. Please don't mistake, I LOVE my job right now. But is it what I'm meant for? Could I seek it out to do all over again somewhere new? I just don't know anymore.

In short, I have absolutely no clue what I'm supposed to do with my life. I've completely lost my purpose.

Sometimes I think I should try to write for a living. Sometimes I think I should bake, or paint, or run away and backpack across Europe and do odd jobs for money. At this weekend's graduation, the president of the college said something to the effect of, "You're young. Now is the time to take risks. What is there to lose?" What is there to lose? Doug and I have no children. We are 27 years old. We have a house, sure, but it can be sold. We have possessions that can be stored. We have nothing tethering us except our families and our friends. Maybe we should move away, live in a city, scrape by for awhile but do something we're passionate about and have some fun. Maybe we should drive across the country. Maybe we should join the Peace Corps. Maybe we should do something, anything, that we can look back on and say, "Now that was a grand adventure. That was living."

No matter what I do, I don't think I can work another school, at least not right away. The thought of setting up a new library, meeting new students, working and trying and building relationships with an entire school of children breaks my heart. I just know that I will see the faces of the little ones I've come to adore in every new face. I know I cannot replicate the  lessons I've worked on with a whole new environment. It's almost like I have to put my time in the elementary library into a sort of shrine, to look back and admire and reminisce but not to try to duplicate. I applied for a school library job, but I don't think I want it, even if it's the smart thing to do. I just don't have it in me.

For now, my safe, smart, predictable side is at war with my desire to run away for awhile and do something crazy. I'm so afraid of living in regret. For now, I've made the decision to stop applying for jobs. I need to step away. I need to take some time to reassess my life goals, to realign my inner compass that's currently spinning wildly out of control. No matter where it lands, it will be a change...and a change is what I need.

Holy whirlwind, Batman!

Wow. The past two weeks have been n.u.t.s! What started as a whim as quickly evolved into a non-stop cake baking frenzy. On April 19th (I can't believe it's only been since then!) Sarah and I got together to play around with some cake pops. We baked, we crumbled, we mixed, we frosted, we dipped.

The first few were just....okay. We worked from 4-11pm, and made 110 pops. Talk about diving in headfirst!

So, I brought a few in to work, and my sweet, supportive co-workers immediately jumped on board. I had orders for Easter bunny pops due the following day:

Then came a birthday party for that Saturday:

We could barely catch our breath. Our life became consumed by cake...but it felt good. Over the next few days, we booked a wedding for Memorial Day, two baby showers in May, and made a three layer "farewell party" cake. We create a new round of samples...

 

...that looked and tasted a heck of a lot better than our first attempt...and started to think that maybe this is something we could really do. Last night, we got together and made cupcakes for a first communion, and talked business. We figured out how much each item was costing us...and what we need to try to find online to save on supplies. We talked about new options, testing out new recipes, trying our hand at bread and muffins and brittle and fudge and booking craft shows and dreaming big. 

In the meantime, between and during all of that, our basement flooded...

...twice. Which was awful. We have to call the insurance company next week because a LOT of things are ruined. I also had the health inspector approve our kitchen (but only for non-chocolate, non-dairy goods, which is a long story for another post...if we want to be truly legal we need a commercial kitchen), I stopped sleeping so I could cook and clean and fret... and I totally stopped paying attention to job applications...which I need to remedy, right away. I don't harbor any illusions that I'm going to not have to work ever again and can just bake my life away...although that would be a dream, because I love it so much.

So, that was my whirlwind two-ish weeks. Today, I'm trying to recover and become a human being again, instead of a walking zombie. Tomorrow will be dedicated to the very-important task of job applications...and maybe, thought I should really be taking a break from it, some baking. I just can't seem to stay away.

On resumes and new beginnings

Today was a day of contrasts.

To start, I called about a job I had really, really been hoping would come through...and was told interviews had already been conducted. I opened my e-mail...and saw that I had been rejected for yet another job that I really thought I had a chance at getting. It was a big time blow, one that I should probably get used to after hearing some serious horror stories about extended unemployment in the current economic climate. But oh my, it hurts. I've never had trouble finding employment in my whole life. I've always gotten the job I wanted, nailed the interview, got the callback. Now, I can't even get my foot in the door. To date, I've applied for 5 jobs and been rejected 5 times. It seems like a very small number in comparison to people who have been unemployed for weeks, months, years even. At the same time, I have a sneaking suspicion that that number isn't going to stay small for long. Things are rough and getting rougher, and it's high time I start thinking of some new tactics, because what I've always relied on doesn't seem to be working anymore. It's time for a new game plan--and the name of the game is being aggressive.

I'm going to start by seriously tearing apart my resume and cover letter. I'm not applying for K-12 jobs, because frankly, they don't exist. So, I'm planning to downplay the "elementary" portion of my resume and highlight the "media" angle. I am technologically savvy, and I know I have transferable skills, but something about the image of a primary-grade librarian isn't doing it for the private companies and higher ed positions I'm targeting.
Probably because they're thinking of this:

Storytime, anyone?

As opposed to this:

Hello, Web 2.0!

Not that there's anything wrong with storytime...it's just that it seems to be conspicuously missing from job openings of late, and I've got many other skills to offer. The second thing I'm going to tackle is my reluctance to follow up. I waited almost a month to call on one of the jobs I applied for...and when I finally did, I didn't like the answer I got. I think I was afraid to call because I was afraid I would be told exactly what I ended up hearing today--I didn't get chosen for an interview. But really, what would the harm have been in hearing that a heck of a lot sooner? And even worse, maybe the answer would have been different had I stepped up and been a little pushier than I've been in the past. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?

Tonight feels particularly sad because I know as of this evening's board meeting, I'm officially unemployed next year. My position has been abolished. Gone. No more K-3 library media specialist. Sigh.

On a happier note, Sarah and I got together on Saturday and decided the best way to solve our problems is to make cake. What problems doesn't cake solve? (Well, maybe weight problems. Anyway...) We're really interested in exploring making some baked goods as our livelihood. It started as sort of a joking "wouldn't-this-be-fun" idea, but the next thing you know, there's a few people interested in the possibility of our services, I'm calling the Department of Health about approving one of our kitchens, and we're meeting tomorrow to practice making cake. I promise to post pictures of our adventure tomorrow.

There's something very exciting about the idea of self-sufficiency, especially in light of the seemingly never ending stream of discouraging news. The mental image of a cozy kitchen filled with baked goods lifts my spirits in what has otherwise been a pretty dismal stretch. I'm not delusional enough to think it will replace the income I'm going to be losing, but it's a start....and I'm in control of the decisions I make regarding it. Right now, that seems to be the best feeling of all, when so many things that affect my life, my future, have been largely taken out of my hands...maybe for now, it's exactly what I need to feel okay.

Photo Credit here and here. 

The sound of the other shoe dropping is a sob.

Well, I got what I was asking for: an answer.

"It is with great sadness that I must inform you that at its next meeting the Board of Education will be presented with a resolution to abolish your position for reason of economy."

So there it is. It looks somehow less scary typed out here than it did on the letter in my shaking hands. Now, it really begins. It's real. No more hypotheticals, no more what if, no more "maybe this will happen."

I am unemployed.

I am so freaking scared.

It's an ice cream kind of day.

We had a union meeting this afternoon at school, where we went over the proposals that have been presented on both sides of the negotiation. Although I can't go into details because we were asked to keep things quiet and "membership only", I will say that I am probably the same level of deep-depression-upset that I was when I first heard my job was on the chopping block.

To put it simply: things are not looking good.

Right now, the gap between what the union presented and what the district presented is vast. It's hard to see where the two parties can meet in the middle...and I am terrified where that leaves those of us that are already living in a daily state of limbo. One of my biggest hopes was that concessions by the teachers would help save me. If we don't reach an agreement, and can't agree to concessions, and no contract is decided, where does that leave the jobs that could have been saved? Do things just steamroll ahead and the layoffs go through?
I'm not surprised by the tone of today's meeting, though I am disappointed. Not in the teachers, because they are willing to concede, but the things being asked of us are asinine and a slap in the face to the hard work we do every day, unless everyone is willing to make the same sacrifices, top to bottom. I think if I had to pinpoint a reason why I'm so upset, it would be because I have been hoping so hard that things would start to look up and that the initial announcement would be nothing more than a small, unpleasant blip on the radar. More and more, it seems like that's a bunch of wishful thinking without much solid evidence to support it. I have this rosy, childish (waning) belief that if I want something hard enough, believe enough, wish enough, I will always get my way. Maybe that's the lesson in all this--you can't always get what you want.

My dad thinks I'm being a drama queen and that I should have faith that things will work out in my favor. He gets very angry when I get worked up about my situation, and tells me to slow down. My mom just sighs and reminds me that I'm not dying and I'm certainly not alone in this area. And she's right. She also brought me home for dinner and some good old fashioned family time with her and Dad and my brother, which made me feel so much better. Doug has been a rock throughout, telling me that no matter what, we'll be OK. And he's right, we will. I just can't get past the devastation of losing a job, a family, that I've come to care deeply about and really value as a part of my life. I know I don't have to make decisions now, because, as usual, nothing is set in stone, but a major internal debate I'm having is whether to be loyal to my position and consider moving to take a school library job, or to be loyal to this town and take whatever comes locally. Doug and I have debated this over and over, and neither option seems particularly nice.

On a side note, the detox officially ended tonight when I decided to drown my sorrows in peanut butter pie frozen yogurt. Oh, that dairy and sugar soothes the soul.  I felt randomly more empowered to stop than I did to keep going, in that I could recognize that I was miserable and it just wasn't worth it. It did introduce me to some new, healthy options, and helped me reconsider how much salt/sugar I need to add to things to make them taste good. So, it wasn't a total loss, and the carby, sugary, tasty consolation dinner I had tonight was all the better-tasting for being deprived.


Photo Credit Here