I have a complete and total mental breakdown every time I submit an application.
I'm talking blubbery, messy, blotchy, crying mess...and I'm not sure why.
I'm good-to-go looking at job postings. I even get a little excited when I find one that I think might fit. I get immersed in the cover letter, and the crazy "I like my folders and notebooks and pens to match" part of me relishes the look of neatly stacked papers with matching headers. I call up my mom, gush about how this job looks like it might be a good one, this job is something I can do, this job sounds like fun. I ask Doug things like, "Can you picture yourself living here? This place might not be so bad! It's kind of cute!"
Papers in hand, protected by a laminated folder or a neatly addressed envelope, or maybe just in a perfectly-saved PDF, I take the final step, whether it be dropping the letter in the mailbox, hitting send on the fax or sending an e-mail....and then it starts.
First, I start to snap at my husband, who is doing nothing more than standing in the general vicinity and probably being more patient and supportive than I deserve with the way I've been acting. Then, my voice starts to catch. There's no stopping it now: I'm driving in my car/standing in the parking lot/sitting at my desk full-on blubbering, wallowing in self-pity and despair.
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| Life stinks, guys. |
My husband asked me today, "What makes you so upset? I thought you said it would make you feel better if you were applying for jobs...but it seems like it makes you feel worse."
This is what he got:
There's a part of me that wants to do this. I want to be proactive. I want to feel like I'm in control of my own destiny. And the really crappy thing is, I'm not. At least, not right now. There's a whole bunch of other people that have more information than me, that are working toward making the decisions that will affect my livelihood...and they're not telling me what is going on. Maybe they couldn't tell me, even if they wanted to. They might not even know themselves. Is it Albany? Is it a bargaining ploy for our contract? Is it hard times and sacrifice? Is it even going to happen? The not knowing is brutal.
I mean...I had plans! Plans to be a librarian, go back to school and get my administrative degree, seek out a job as a school library system director or a director of technology. And now they're ruined! I just got accepted to go back to school. What was the point of all that work and time and money to apply? I'm smart and capable. I'm good at what I do...and now I can't do it anymore. I feel like my future is derailed, and it's making me crazy. So, do I sit and wait it out? What happens if I let the universe unfold and it turns out badly? I don't want to look back and say, I should have taken that opportunity when it presented itself. At the same time, I don't want to do something rash, and look back and say, I should have waited.
And then I cry until I'm cried out and done feeling sorry for myself and my temper tantrum is over.
That's really what it is. I am acting like a small child that isn't getting her way...and I want to get my way! But, there are much, much worse things in the world...and life is a lot longer than what happens next year. I know it will be OK and that I'm being a big baby and I need to (as my friend Kaycee would say) "Put on my big girl pants and deal with it".
So, this is my new mantra: Life isn't fair. Grow up. I hope I can listen to my own advice.
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