Ever since finding out about my job for next year, I've been dealing with quite a few issues of control: control over my future, control over decisions that affect me, control over my emotions. I've been realizing with greater certainty that I'm not someone that deals well with change unless the change is enacted by me, myself, and I. I do not easily relinquish control and let things flow.
In the same vein, I've started taking yoga. Tonight's class struck a particular chord with me. At "the church of St. Anne", as I like to call my class, our instructor spoke to us about letting go. "This is life," she said, "This is waking up on Monday morning. This is the second day of spring, and it's snowing." Her message tonight was that we cannot control very much, really, when it comes down to it. We can control our bodies and the way we treat them, we can control our reactions to the external, we can control the way we treat one another. And in the end, shouldn't that be enough? The universe holds us in its hands, and we are alive for a reason. We should welcome change in its myriad forms, live in the moment, and face each day with the knowledge that although we may not be able to control, we can accept. You can call this God, or the light of the universe, or a life force, but there is a bigger power at work than our small, human plans.
Tonight,surrounded by candles and the faint smell of essential oil, in the darkening room of an old local Church, I felt more spiritual, more connected, than I ever have before. I grew up Catholic, and have always struggled with my personal beliefs. Church has often been more about the routine and the tradition than a living spirituality. Tonight, feeling my breath and listening to the breathing around me, hearing the words of our instructor, letting go of all the worry and fear, I knew that there is more to this life than the small daily stresses that have been getting me down. The universe will unfold the way it will unfold. I cannot control it,but I can accept it, and welcome the exciting change that is coming my way.
And that brought me peace.
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