It's an ice cream kind of day.

We had a union meeting this afternoon at school, where we went over the proposals that have been presented on both sides of the negotiation. Although I can't go into details because we were asked to keep things quiet and "membership only", I will say that I am probably the same level of deep-depression-upset that I was when I first heard my job was on the chopping block.

To put it simply: things are not looking good.

Right now, the gap between what the union presented and what the district presented is vast. It's hard to see where the two parties can meet in the middle...and I am terrified where that leaves those of us that are already living in a daily state of limbo. One of my biggest hopes was that concessions by the teachers would help save me. If we don't reach an agreement, and can't agree to concessions, and no contract is decided, where does that leave the jobs that could have been saved? Do things just steamroll ahead and the layoffs go through?
I'm not surprised by the tone of today's meeting, though I am disappointed. Not in the teachers, because they are willing to concede, but the things being asked of us are asinine and a slap in the face to the hard work we do every day, unless everyone is willing to make the same sacrifices, top to bottom. I think if I had to pinpoint a reason why I'm so upset, it would be because I have been hoping so hard that things would start to look up and that the initial announcement would be nothing more than a small, unpleasant blip on the radar. More and more, it seems like that's a bunch of wishful thinking without much solid evidence to support it. I have this rosy, childish (waning) belief that if I want something hard enough, believe enough, wish enough, I will always get my way. Maybe that's the lesson in all this--you can't always get what you want.

My dad thinks I'm being a drama queen and that I should have faith that things will work out in my favor. He gets very angry when I get worked up about my situation, and tells me to slow down. My mom just sighs and reminds me that I'm not dying and I'm certainly not alone in this area. And she's right. She also brought me home for dinner and some good old fashioned family time with her and Dad and my brother, which made me feel so much better. Doug has been a rock throughout, telling me that no matter what, we'll be OK. And he's right, we will. I just can't get past the devastation of losing a job, a family, that I've come to care deeply about and really value as a part of my life. I know I don't have to make decisions now, because, as usual, nothing is set in stone, but a major internal debate I'm having is whether to be loyal to my position and consider moving to take a school library job, or to be loyal to this town and take whatever comes locally. Doug and I have debated this over and over, and neither option seems particularly nice.

On a side note, the detox officially ended tonight when I decided to drown my sorrows in peanut butter pie frozen yogurt. Oh, that dairy and sugar soothes the soul.  I felt randomly more empowered to stop than I did to keep going, in that I could recognize that I was miserable and it just wasn't worth it. It did introduce me to some new, healthy options, and helped me reconsider how much salt/sugar I need to add to things to make them taste good. So, it wasn't a total loss, and the carby, sugary, tasty consolation dinner I had tonight was all the better-tasting for being deprived.


Photo Credit Here