Birth Announcement

Our little bean arrived!

Crib Wars

It's been a while since I've updated...March has been a busy, crazy month!
I started the month with PARP activities at school, including a kick off event, author visit, and story contest. The PARP craziness is continuing through the month....I'm looking forward to March 30 when it's over.

March weekends have been filled with judging OM tournaments, running errands, and best of all, Sarah's Baby Shower! It was adorable, and I can't wait to meet her little peanut super soon. 

 
 

This past weekend, we made our first significant baby purchase: the crib!
I'm so in love with the one we found, but it wasn't without some blood, sweat, tears, and serious power shopping. Originally, we had our hearts set on the Westwood Meadowdale. Westwood is one of the top rated companies by Baby Bargains (my personal baby gear bible), so we were pretty pumped to find a crib by that company at Baby Depot. I also researched it extensively, and was happy to see it exceeded safety regulations, was NOT made in China, and was constructed from 100% poplar hardwood--no fiberboard. Not to mention, it was adorable and would match the antique furniture we're planning to use in the nursery. My awesome MIL offered to get the crib for us, so we waited a few weeks after deciding on the crib to meet up with her and make the purchase. Big mistake. On Saturday, we went to Baby Depot, 15% off coupon in hand, ready to get down to business. The missing floor model should have been my first clue that things were not about to work out in our favor, but I optimistically found a salesperson and asked about the crib. Well...not only was it no longer available in the store, but was also unavailable EVERYWHERE. Apparently, it had been discontinued and sold out in a matter of 2 weeks. The crib was g-o-n-e and it was not coming back. Ever.

So, back to the drawing board. I sucked up my preggers hormones, stifled a freak out, and went home to commence MORE research to find another crib that met my over the top standards. Lo and behold, a quick trip to the Baby Depot site yielded a perfect substitute. This crib was by Suite Bebe, a division of Munire, which happens to be another high rated company. Google reassured me that this particular crib met the same safety standards as our original choice, was also not made in China,and was constructed from mahogany. YES. We were back on track.

We called the JC store and....no crib. Not order-able. Ugh.
We were directed to call Elmira.
No crib. Order could take up to 6 months.
DOUBLE UGH.
We decided to try Scranton and....
THEY HAD ONE CRIB IN STOCK!
We begged them to hold it for us, jumped in the car, and drove like maniacs to my parents' house. We borrowed the van, hit the road, and arrived in Scranton an hour later to collect our hard won crib.
Success!....almost.

Once the crib was purchased, the store luckily had it right in their warehouse, so we could take it right then and there. Except...the box didn't fit in the van. So, we busted out our Swiss Army knives that my mom got us as a gag gift this Christmas (no joke) and ripped open the box. After some serious pushing, shoving, pleading, begging, coercing and a 15 minute fight with the rear seat release, the crib was in the van, and we were on our way. Here's our guy's beautiful little bed: http://www1.burlingtoncoatfactory.com/babydepot/Barcelona-Crib-Cherry-381129683.aspx

In the end, everything worked out in our favor. I actually like this crib better than the original, and the color matches our existing dressers perfectly. The price was unbeatable (especially with an extra 15% off!), we paid no shipping, and we already have it in our possession. I went today and ordered the bed rails and toddler guard, and our local Baby Depot honored two 20% off coupons I had, so we saved even more.

This week, our handyman is finishing up the walls (and painting!) so next weekend, we should be able to move things back into the basement, paint the nursery, and possibly even set up the crib! Saturday marks the beginning of the 3rd trimester, so I'm starting to feel the pressure of getting things done.

Today, we were able get our pediatrician in order (just waiting for final confirmation that we "got in" with the doctor of our choice) so we're really starting to check things off the list! Kaycee and Sarah are just a few short days away from becoming mamas....I can't wait to join them in 3 months!

Ninja baby, 23 weeks, and more cuts

Today marks day 1 of Week 23! Only 17 weeks (or so, depending on an early/late baby) to go.
Apparently, 23 weeks also means that my sweet little fetus has morphed into a death machine of karate kicks and ninja chops. He has been kicking NON-STOP since Thursday. Maybe he'll be an action hero when he grows up, or a champion swimmer. I've actually been seeing my stomach move from the outside today, and it was not as subtle as I expected for this point in my pregnancy. Our little one was in there dancing or hula hooping or something, because the area under my belly button was waving like an ocean and randomly protruding as I sat on the couch this morning. My absolute new favorite thing is a little game I've been able to play with my guy, mostly in the morning around 6am. He kicks, I push back, he kicks again...I push in a new spot, and he follows! I think it's just amazing that he can feel me poking him and respond like that.  It's so miraculous and amazing that there's a little person developing in there, it sometimes takes my breath away to think that my husband and I made this little person, and that he grew all the way from a poppy seed when we first realized I was pregnant to what is rapidly looking more and more like the newborn he's soon going to be. I can't wait to meet him and be able to play with his cute little toes and fists from the outside (I think my organs are pretty excited about that, too).

I've been taking classes to earn my admin degree (a sloooowwww one class at a time. I think I have 4 down and 9 or 10 to go) and I just finished up my last paper of the semester. I still have to edit and turn it in, but let me tell you, I am so ready for this class to be over. I'm hoping our handy man will be in this week to work on the basement walls so we can start focusing on the nursery. I'm getting anxious to register and set everything up. 17 weeks, or about 4 months, seems so long and so short all at  the same time. I have so many ideas of crafty projects I want to try pinned to Pinterest; it's important to me that the nursery be very personal and custom. I'm hoping to make some individualized wall art, my own mobile, a crib skirt and curtains, and some other little accessories for the room. I'll have to post my projects as I get them done, hopefully with tutorials if I don't get horribly lazy.

Onto the depressing stuff...
ME just announced on Friday that they're also cutting 28 positions next year, with 2 librarians included in those numbers. Nothing yet from my school, keeping my fingers crossed...

The most nerve-wracking time of the year.

Until last year, I would have never thought of February and March as being a time of the year that was particularly stressful or sleep-depriving. But, after going through the entire budget process last year (and having my position cut, and happily/mercifully/amazingly/gratefully restored), February and March are now my absolute least favorite months.

Local schools have recently been announcing their plans for budget cuts. The latest comes from Vestal; you can read about it here: http://www.pressconnects.com/article/20120221/NEWS01/202210384/Changes-weighed-Vestal-schools?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE

The Vestal Superintendent makes it a point to say that the cuts mentioned are only options at this point, not decisions set in stone. Still, it makes me horribly nauseous and nervous and scared when I read that Vestal is considering 2 (TWO!?) library media cuts. If I'm not misinformed/mistaken, I'm pretty sure they made library media cuts last year, too, when they didn't replace retirees and now the LMSs  are covering multiple buildings. How are they going to cut more?

It also scares me that librarians are on the table again. It makes me worry about my job. I have to say, I'm a lot less freaked out this year than last year so far, but maybe that's just because I haven't actually heard anything yet. I keep getting these horrible flashbacks to last year (the year anniversary of that nightmare is tomorrow) when my principal found me in another teacher's room, and white-faced and grim, told me I needed to go to the conference room immediately...
...The instant panic that overtook me.
...Telling the teacher I was with that I thought I was losing my job...and being right.
...Walking down that long hallway with my heart in my throat.
...Sitting around the same table where we now have our monthly birthday breakfast and looking at the faces of my colleagues, most of whom looked as confused or scared as I felt as we waited for the meeting to start. ...Embarrassingly crying SO hard in front of everyone as they told us our positions were slated to be cut.
...Walking back down the hall and hearing other teachers sob, shell-shocked and stunned.
...Calling my husband and my mom in the car and trying to stay calm while I told them the news.
...Meeting with the union and an alarmingly HUGE number of teachers that heard the same thing on the same day in the church across the street.
...Going home and starting this blog and every other day after that while I considered my future, held my breath and crossed my fingers.

I really hope it doesn't happen again this year. Please, please, please.

Yet, if it does, I feel better prepared, if that's even possible. I feel like I lived through it once, so I can live through it again. I probably should be MORE scared with a baby on the way, but I feel like it's a bridge I can cross if and when I get there. We have more savings this year, and have sort of kept it in the back of our minds that it could happen again. We were OK last year; we'll be OK again. We have to be.

So, there's that. In the meantime, I'd much rather focus on the exciting, fun things that are happening than dwell on what might be. I have officially started my 6th month of pregnancy and am in the last 4 weeks of my 2nd trimester. Time is flying! Here's some bump updates:
Here I am just 2 short weeks after the last photo post, right after we found out it's a boy...

And then two weeks after that...I feel like I triple in size every 2 weeks! Maybe I should lay off the pudding I want to devour every night...

I can't believe I'm over halfway done with this pregnancy, and into the 6th month. Only 4 short months to go! Also, big congrats to Miss Kristina and her TWINS on the way. So many babies coming soon, our guy is going to have quite the little circle of buddies! 

Oh, so THESE are pregnancy symptoms

**Disclaimer: I started this post about a week ago and forgot to finish it. Don't mind the schizophrenia.

So, I've been waiting for this. After coasting through the first trimester with nothing worse than the queasies, bragging about how I feel awesome and no major symptoms so far and walking around like Queen Pregnancy, I knew the other shoe had to drop sometime. Apparently, for this pregnancy, it was the halfway point that did it.
In the last week, I've simultaneously developed the following:

• Back pain when I sit on the couch/stand/lay for extended periods of time
• Hip pain when I lay down on one side for more than an hour--resulting in me flopping over like an out of breath whale to readjust "the sandwich", my husband's term for the fortress of pillows I surround myself with nightly. 
• Foot/leg pain when I stand for long periods.

(Side note: all of the above severely limits my potential for feeling comfortable. I've been rotating between the 3 options as frequently as possible)
Also:

• Sinuses that have ceased to function--breathing through my nose is no longer a viable option for actual oxygen intake
• Heartburn. Oh my god, that evil, evil heartburn. I read somewhere that it means the baby is growing hair. He better come out with a head of lush locks at the rate I'm going. I get heartburn at the following times: When I eat. When I'm hungry. When I lay down. In other words, constantly. 
• And, my favorite as of last night--Charlie horse-style cramps in my legs! Awesome!

So, to be blunt: I. am. freaking. miserable.

Hilariously, my midwife said to me, "I can just tell you love being pregnant. You can always tell the ones that like it. You have that glow!". I didn't have the heart to do anything but smile lamely and nod, like, Oh yes, I just love  feeling like everything from my esophagus downwards is broken/malfunctioning. It's a miracle! 

Don't get me wrong, it's nothing terrible and I have had it so easy thus far, especially compared to the horror stories I've read. I also generally do like being pregnant. I know it could be (and may get) much, much worse and I've really lucked out. I think it's because the beginning was so easy that I feel super cranky about these new symptoms. Plus, I keep telling myself getting up every hour is excellent practice for when the baby arrives.

Here's where the old post ends and the update starts:
So, I broke down and bought a Snoogle. Check it:

Yes, I know it looks like the most ridiculous thing in the world. But pregnant ladies, I am telling you: THIS WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. It's crazy expensive online, but I got it for about $35 bucks at Burlington (using a 15% off coupon). YES. Because of this little stuffed miracle burrito of comfort, I can now sleep through the night, sit on the couch, and generally exist without misery. The website has about a million suggestions for ways to use this beauty: http://www.leachco.com/snoogle/snooglepositions.html
My personal favs are Back to Back and Donut Delux. Oh jeez, now I want a donut.

In other news, one of the sweetest ladies in my work family, Gina, bought my little guy the absolute sweetest little gift yesterday. He's now the proud owner of a squeal-inducing giraffe onesie set (with little giraffe feets and a little giraffe hat!), Brown Bear, Brown Bear (a super cute book) and matching stuffed bear. I see some serious cuddle/reading fests in our future. Thanks, Gina! We love it!

I'm also rounding out the last week of month 5--here comes month 6 and the last month of the second trimester! Woo hoo!

It's a boy!

Today we went for our anatomy scan. It was so exciting and surreal to see our little baby a. actually looking like a baby, and b. moving around in there. Our ultrasound tech was completely amazing and spent so much time with us, showing us all the important parts...plus the most important "part" that let us know we're welcoming a little mister! With two male pets, my husband, and this little guy on the way, I'm going to continue to be in a house surrounded by boys...or as Doug put it, "The house of dude prevails!" Doug was so excited, he immediately wanted to go out and get Lego sets and Star Wars onesies. I think I'm gonna need some serious lady time in the near future...pedis anyone?

I think the most amazing thing is to see how he's grown from this itty bitty bean:

6 weeks

To our little "Casper":

8 weeks

To this cute little peanut with a teensy nose and tiny feet:

I seriously can't believe that in about 4 1/2-5 months we get to meet him! I feel like he already has quite the personality. He was tapping his little feet in there today, scratching his head, and rolling around. He even had the hiccups (which I think is hilarious since I get them all. the. time). I found out I'm feeling so much because he's positioned really close to the front of my stomach, and my posterior placenta means there's no cushion to muffle the movements. He also has a beautiful set of kidneys, a nice strong spine, no signs of birth defects, and the four chambers of his heart are formed.  The u/s tech said we got a "A+" and that he was a very active baby (oh dear). Since he's so close to the front, she'd nudge his little body from the outside and he'd sweetly settle into a new position so she could examine his different parts. What a good little guy! We even got a (slightly creepy looking) 3D since he was so cooperative:

Look at his little 3d gremlin face!

I'm going to be honest, the anatomy scan was a BIG deal to me, especially seeing the spine. I used a heating pad on my stomach very early in pregnancy to deal with muscle cramps (before I found out that's a big no-no) and had myself convinced I gave the baby spina bifida (and was driving everyone around me crazy worrying about it). I burst into tears in the car afterwards because I was so relieved that he was healthy and growing normally. I think this is just the start of a lifetime of mommy-worry. God help me. 

So, now we get to start planning the nursery and considering names. It feels so much more real now than before, knowing that "it" is a "he". I admire people that have the patience to wait to find out what they're having, but I wouldn't trade this knowledge for the world. I can't wait to meet this little gentleman. 

Um, Mrs. Laura...

"...somebody told me that you're having a baby!"

So begins some of my most favorite conversations with my kids lately. Usually, my pregnancy been discussed in the lunch room or on the bus and they want confirmation (and are always surprised when I tell them it's true), though one little girl told me her younger sister announced it at the dinner table (Apparently she shouted, "I HAVE GOOD NEWS! MRS. LAURA IS HAVING A BABY!") There have been some truly hilarious reactions from my students, especially since they span Kindergarten all the way to 4th grade. Here's some of my recent favorites:

A K boy (as he runs after me down the hall): "HEY! HEY MRS. LAURA! I heared you're gettin' pregnant!"

A K boy: "You're pregnant?! (cue disgusted look on his face) Why?!"

A 1st grade girl: "Congratulations! I can't believe you just had a baby!" (I explain I haven't had it yet. She stares at my stomach for a good minute) "Wait. It's IN there?"

A 1st grade boy: "You're having a baby? Ugh. ANOTHER one?" (I explain this is my first child, so yes, I'm having a baby, but no, not another one)

A 3rd grade girl: "Are you excited?" (Yes) "You won't be when it's time for it to come out."

A 3rd grade boy: "You're pregnant? Well that's not good news. Who wants a baby?"

A 4th grade boy (shaking his head sadly): "I really hope it's a girl...for your sake. Boys can get pretty messy."

A 4th grade girl: "If it's a boy, I really like the name Carlos. Yep, definitely Carlos. It sounds AWESOME."
(I told her I'd run it by Mr. Laura)

Just a mini update

This one's gonna be short & sweet...
Today marks the last day of month 4! Tomorrow I'm officially a 5 month preg-Nancy. Wowza!

Here's my end of 17 weeks photo. I wish I was better about taking pics earlier each week, but I usually look like trash during the work week (thanks to a 15 minutes-before-I-leave-the-house wake-up time lately) so its generally a no-go. According to my husband's family friend, I'm "really bumping out!"

I also think I'm feeling more frequent movement. I really can't wait to a. find out what I'm having and b. feel the first real kick from the outside. Thursday is the anatomy scan! Eeee!

In other news, we just got a new camera and we're picking it up tonight. I'm hoping to get a little fancy with the picture taking from here on out...and practice for some major paparazzi once this little bebop arrives.

Also, big congrats to my former lib co-worker Kari--we're due on the same day! If we happen to be in the hospital at the same time, the plan is to find each other and high-five mid-labor...if I'm not crying inconsolably/unconscious/dead since my vision of childbirth is decidedly horror-movie quality. Mommas out there--tell me it's not so bad? Or am I right on?

Oh,and one last thing. I want everything from this etsy store for the nursery. I mean, seriously! Adorable!

Hey, hey baby!

Well, it's been a pretty ridiculously long time since I posted on here, and an update is fully in order.
Since my last post:
I went to New Orleans for a conference with my mom:

My best girl since age 5, Jessica, got married:

My dog wore this:

My cat did that:











I've been continuing to cake pop it up with Sarah, and...

Oh yeah. I got knocked up.

Doug & I are over the moon about it. We kept it a secret from everyone but closest friends & family through the first trimester, but the word is out now. As of Saturday, I'm 17 weeks along, and we scheduled the anatomy ultrasound at my doctor's appointment today, which means in 2 weeks I'll be decking this blog out in either pink or blue. My inner crazy, type-a, super control freak self has been secretly counting the seconds until we can find out if this is a little miss or a little mister. I mean, hello! We have a nursery to decorate! Bedding to consider! Clothes to buy! And probably worst of all...names to pick! D & I have been finding names to be a particular challenge. If it's a boy, we're pretty set on our name (but keeping it a sorta secret until the baby is born. I think it's creepy when people refer to a pregnant woman's stomach by name) but if it's a girl...oh dear. Lourdes Hospital may just be posting "baby girl" on their announcement page instead of an actual moniker at the rate we're going. I think it may be a teensy weensy bit because my personal criteria for our future little person's name is somewhat extreme. I'm looking for a name that:
1. Is not made up, trendy, invented, or so unique that no one has ever heard of it...
2. But not so common that a million little ones will have it--I'd like something kinda unique
3. Is classic but not common (see #1 and #2)
4. Sounds good with Laura (this is the hardest part)
5. Lends itself well to nicknames
6. Can work for a cute little baby all the way to a professional adult
7. Is easy to spell and pronounce, and not so out there that people scrunch up their noses and say "ugh" when they hear it
8. (This is where the list narrows waaaaay down) Does not remind me of one of the 500+ kids I teach daily
9. Does not already belong to a member of our family or friends or even acquaintances, really, because see #2

The problem (I mean, before you get to #8 and #9 which I can acknowledge are a little impossible) is that some of these criteria are in direct opposition to one another. Elizabeth is easy to pronounce, classic, lends itself well to nicknames...but fails #3. It's too common. Penelope meets #1, 2, 3, 4, 5...but majorly fails #7 and Doug hates it. I could go on for ages! How does anyone ever choose the name that their child will live with for the rest  of their life? This is quite possibly the hardest decision I've ever made...and don't even get me started on cribs, strollers, and baby gear. It's enough to drive you to drink (virgin, please).

Anyway, this has been the all-consuming portion of my life lately, and D & I still can't believe our house will soon be inhabited by another living, breathing (pooping, crying, puking, never-sleeping) human being. It's all a little surreal. Thank God I have other mama-friends going through it now or already having done it to be my safety net/support group, and of course, my awesome husband, although sometimes we look at each other and say, "What did we just get ourselves into?" with a combination of joy and panic in our voices.

Also, I've been taking weekly belly pictures, and can I just say, I look SO much more pregnant at night? It's really amazing. Here's the latest and greatest as of today (16 weeks, 5 days).

In other news, our basement should be (finally) getting fixed from the great September flood. I'm pumped (ha! literally! we're getting new pumps installed!) since the contents of the basement may or may not be currently residing in the soon-to-be-nursery. However, that mess is a post for another night. In the meantime, I'm off to drink my nightly banana chocolate milkshake--I might as well enjoy it while I can! 

A sigh for England.

(Disclaimer: this post was written about three days ago, but I was lazy about uploading pictures to go along with the post. So, read this like it's actually Tuesday.)

I woke up this morning with a massive case of the blahs.

More specifically, I had a dream about being in Europe...and damn it if it didn't throw me into a funk for the entire day. I miss that place, those adventures, more than I can ever describe. I go through this about once a year, and feel the same way, and just ache and ache for youth and wildness and adventure and freedom. I don't know if it's because I was at a personal low before I went and it turned me around, or because everything felt so exciting all the time, or because the people I met there remain, to this day, some of my very best friends on the planet, but I would literally give everything, anything, to get back there and feel that way again.

Maybe it's also because the summer is winding down, and I don't want it to end. Life feels like it's changing a lot around here. I'm back at my job (thankyougod) in September, but I'm giving up coaching cheer. It was time for me to step away, for a whole big list of reasons. I'm feeling a little sad about the end of a chapter, but for the most part, the sadness has been overwhelmed by a giant sense of relief. Doug and I are coming up on our one year anniversary, and we're talking family and babies, which is thrilling and terrifying all at once. Can I be brutally honest? There's a huge part of me that feels like life just ends when you have children. I don't mean that in a horrible I-hate-babies kind of way, because the truth couldn't be more opposite. I love children. I desperately want to have children. I have awful child-envy for my friends' little ones. But then, I think to myself: I didn't get back to Europe (though I should be grateful I got to go at all). I didn't finish writing a book. What about driving across the country? Seeing California? What about living a big life filled with adventure? What about all those things that I promised myself I would do, see, be, experience? Does anyone else feel the same? Advice?

Sometimes I think my dreams of what I want to happen are hindered by my need to over-plan everything and my raging jealousy of what other people are doing with their lives. I gave myself a big long speech on this blog about living in the moment and being grateful for what I have a few months ago. Yet, here I am, wishing for the life I haven't lived yet. Sigh. I'm hopeless.

In productive news, I managed to tackle some of the summer list I posted about a month ago. To date, the vines are out of the front (huzzah!)
BEFORE:

DURING:

There's an after that I'll add once I actually take a picture, with flowers and mulch...but again, sheer laziness has set in. Moving on...

I'm winding down on my statistics course (and pulling down a 100 average, heck yes!). We've gotten in touch with a contractor and should be moving along with the basement repair soon. The organization...well, I planned to do that today, so you can see how well that's working out for me (side note: it's now Thursday. I still haven't touched it, though I have read two books this week. Priorities!). We got Oscar a bark collar that literally changed him into the dog of my dreams overnight. It was miraculous. On the baking front, we're booking a table at the CV Craft Show and plan to debut some new delicious treats there (Maybe with a new business name. Thoughts?).

As for writing, I've been failing at that. I don't know what my roadblock is, but every time I sit down to do it, I find something else to do. Same with exercise. Oops.

I'm hoping before the summer ends, I can get to NYC to see a long-lost friend, plan a trip to see my bestest long-distance girl in the G-Raggedy for sometime before 2012 and the end of the world, pull myself together and WRITE already, and really, truly, get rid of the junk in our house.

For today, I'm doing really well at #8 on the original list...and maybe checking out airfare to England.

Sweet summer

Sigh. So this is summer.

It feels like a long time coming, after the tumultuous last few months. This is my first summer not working, which is a pretty odd feeling considering I've been working/volunteering over my summers since the 7TH GRADE. I didn't know what was happening to me next year, so I didn't job search. Oh, well. (I sound pretty bummed out, right?) Last week, we went to the beach with my parents and brother, and we threw a little 4th of July BBQ yesterday.

I have clean up ahead of me (unpacking and de-partying our house) but it's the first real day of nothing important to do, so instead I'm sitting in bed, at (gasp) 10:30 am, listening to Oscar snore and thinking over my "to-do" list of things to accomplish before September rolls around.

Here's what my summer looks like so far:

1. Clean/organize/sort the unbelievable amount of crap we've accumulated since moving into the house,some of which was accumulated and left by the previous owners. The general plan is a garage sale sooner than later, and renting a dumpster as a last step for finally getting rid of some of the nonsense that we just don't know what to do with. We currently have 4, count 'em, 4 extra couches (one  is currently on our curb if anyone is interested), chairs galore, knickknacks beyond measure, and tchotchkes beyond your wildest dreams. If I can clean out the garage/attic/basement this summer, it will be a success.Which leads me to....

2. Hire a contractor to fix up our monstrous basement. We were flooded earlier this spring, thrice, and now we are the proud owners of warped, nasty, rotten paneling. So, we've gotta get that taken care of, stat. We fixed up the non-flooded side of the basement just this weekend, with some new Berber rugs (which, by the way, were a total steal at $300 for two 12 x 15 bound rugs from Warehouse Carpet). Doug also set up his new music room/ man cave/jam space. I was feeling a little grumpy about giving up the space that used to house a card table and some other odds and ends, but I have to admit, it looks pretty snazzy.

3. Go through all of our papers and file them. We started this process, but haven't finished yet. Since moving in together and getting married, we sort of just kept shoving any papers that seemed mildly important into various drawers in the office....which made doing our taxes and my FAFSA (I started classes to earn my second Masters in Ed Admin) this year a total, all encompassing nightmare. So, we've started filing, and I'd really like to get that under control asap.

4. Tackle the ugly green on green on green front landscaping. I've been saying this since we moved in. I hate, hate, hate the front of our house. There's the grass, which is fine, but that melts into this awful tangly ground cover vine thing, which borders an equally unattractive line of hedge. I'm not sure if I have it in me to rip out the hedges, but those vines are going, going, gone if it's the last thing I do...and given how many of them there are, it just might be. I did some work in the back garden, and I'm really, really happy with how it came out. I'm hoping the front will be as successful.

5. Take my statistics course that I am not loving, but am happy to be starting. 1 course started, 11 more to go!

6. Keep baking.

7. Work on the novel Doug and I started over two years ago. Like, really work on it. I don't even care about it being published, I'd just like to say I did it and it's done.

8. Sleep.

9. Possibly do something with our pink and gray bathroom of ultimate heinousness. Maybe. Doug thinks it's better left alone. I totally disagree. I mean, look at it. Gross.

10. Fix the scrapes in the wood floors that came from moving furniture without pads. Oops.

11. Break Oscar's will to bark at everything, all the time, to the point of ridiculousness.

12. Exercise. A lot, to make up for #6.

OK, maybe I'm over-planning. I do have the tendency to do that. But, that's the plan for now. I might be singing a different tune in a week or two.

For now, I think I'll start cleaning...but then again, maybe I'll just go back to bed. It's summer, after all.

Secrets Kept Secret.

I am writing this post almost a full month before I can share it. It was hard to keep it a secret for so long.

On Friday, May 13, I got a visit from my Superintendent. He sat down in front of me, and told me he was recommending my job be reinstated at the June 9th Board Meeting. I almost passed out.

He told me that they recognized everything I've done this year and the past three years I've worked there. He told me they value me as an employee, and that I'm an integral part of the goals of the district. He told me they may be moving me. He told me I was employed if the Board passes the vote on June 9th.

Let me say that again: HE TOLD ME I'M EMPLOYED.

He also told me I needed to keep it quiet for now. Out of the 22 teachers still being laid off, there is only myself and one other person being saved. We are the very, very lucky ones. It's simply not fair that so many talented, smart, amazing teachers will still be facing what I was facing. It's not right that they could only save a handful of us when every single teacher being let go deserves their job. I am blessed in a way that I can't fathom to have been given my job back.

I had to close my eyes when he was talking to me so I didn't throw up on his shoes or start crying. I am so relieved, so grateful, so happy I have my job. I had hit my worst just a few days before. I was in despair. I was lost, directionless, hopeless, worried. At that moment, when he told me that I could work there again, I felt...sure. I was back to where I thought I was before this all started. My life was on track. I knew what I was supposed to be doing. I am meant to be in a school--this school.

After he left, I had to sit down on the floor and take it in. I told my clerk and we celebrated together. My principal came in and hugged me. I ran into the computer lab and called my husband and my mom as the weight of the past three months lifted off my shoulders.

You know what's strange? I'm happy this happened to me. It was good for me. It woke me up and made me realize that I'm content to live in my small hometown. It made me realize I'm ready for a new challenge, so bring on the middle school if that's what's supposed to happen next. It certainly made me more resilient, so if (and when, because there's a good shot that it will) it happens again next year, I think I'll be better off than I was this time. It brought out my creative side, started a new business in baking, renewed my need to write, and made me take stock of my life.

At the same time, I'm a little melancholy. I was geared up to go do something wild and reckless. I had a vision of staying home with babies, or working at a college, or becoming a full time writer, or moving to a new place. There's a huge part of me that wants to always be on the move, trying new things, seeing new places. I am endlessly restless. I have to balance that desire for change with the realization that when I was being forced into a drastic situation I wanted to stay where I already am. I need to remember to value what I've got instead of always wanting something else. This is enough, more than enough.

So, here comes another year....and who knows what the next few weeks will bring. Who knows what the next year will bring? I'll keep blogging, though the original theme of the blog will change. Life keeps moving, and shifting, and changing. Though I may not be totally starting over anymore, I am starting something new. I can't wait to see what happens.

Sunshine and pastry

Today has shaped up to be such a fabulous day.
It started with a trip to our favorite diner and then the farmer's market, which is my all-time favorite Saturday morning activity. Doug and I bought some new herbs for the garden (lemon basil and parsley, to join the sweet basil, sage, lavender, and mint), some amazing raw milk cheddar, and eggs. After coming back home to laze around in the sunshine, putz in the garden, and plant our new goodies, we came inside to cool off. Too keyed up to take a nap, I decided to bake something new while Doug snoozed.

This is what I came up with: Homemade. Pop. Tarts.
I saw the recipe a few months ago on Smitten Kitchen, and have been itching to try them since. I followed the recipe fairly closely, subbing out 1/2 cup of whole wheat flour for part of the white, and I used Sarabeth's Strawberry Raspberry jam for the filling. I'm toying with whipping up a quick glaze to finish them off, though I think that might defeat the purpose of making a healthier pop tart. They are soooo fabulous, and I don't have a total guilt trip about shoving them in my mouth because the ingredients are 1. recognizable 2. pronounceable 3. as healthy as you can get with a pop tart (flour, sugar, salt, eggs, milk, butter, jam) Yum.

I hate to waste, so with the leftover dough and jam mixture, I decided to make some pies on a stick, another venture I've been dying to try. They were so easy! I just rolled out the dough, cut it out with some sweet little cookie cutters, brushed it with some egg, placed the stick, and put a little dollop of filling in the center. Then, I covered the bottom portion with another cutout, sealed and pressed with a fork...baked for about 20 minutes and...voila! I think next time I might sprinkle with a little sugar or try a different filling (like, oh, I don't know...an actual pie filling?). I like my pie to be sweet, and these ended up tasting a little understated using the pop tart ingredients. Still, they were super tasty!

I was so pleased with how they came out, and I'm dying to make another batch soon.
At this point, I just can't wait for summer so I can bake my little heart out. This is the first summer I have no plans to work (I'm usually holding down about 3 jobs a summer) so the game plan is to bliss out with Sarah doing DIY projects, remodeling the bathroom, and cooking up a storm...while figuring out what next year will bring. Sigh. It's so close I can taste it.

This makes my heart hurt

Please read this heart-wrenching post from Mizz Murphy at The Library is Not a Fruit.

While you're at it, read this one, too, from one of my all-time favorites, Joyce Valenza at her blog NeverEnding Search.

And this news article, by Hector Tobar at the L.A. Times, details the situation even further.

What's happening in LA a complete and total mockery of logical decision making, and it makes me fear for the future. It seems the LAUSD is subjecting their teacher-librarians to trials in order to prevent them from transitioning back into a classroom. TRIALS. What the heck is this about? Does this sound totally insane to anyone else?

From my understanding, the LAUSD is cutting their librarians. According to the system of senority and tenure, those with the most seniority are allowed to stay. Librarians are required to hold teaching certificates in addition to their librarian certificate, so they are, by right, qualified to be placed in a classroom, and should have seniority over some of their colleagues if they have several years in the system. And yet, they are being told they are not qualified to teach, and interrogated in the most disrespectful of ways to try to prove they are not qualified. Hence the trials.

It gets more complex. According to their current system in place, if a teacher has been out of the classroom for more than 5 years, they aren't allowed to return, despite seniority. According to Mizz Murphy's blog, the original intent for this was to prevent near-retirement, long removed teachers from returning to a school environment that had become foreign in their absence.

She says it much better than I am able...

"The logic behind the recency rule seems to be based on poor decision making from last year. LAUSD sent scores of people into classrooms who had been sitting in cubicles for ages. These were people with dusty old teaching credentials, waiting for retirement in the cool, air-conditioned Beaudry building in downtown LA...When layoffs began, these educators were saved because of their time served, but their office positions were cut and they went back to school for the first time in who knows how long. This did not go well.... So this year, LAUSD got wise. Make a rule that says that if you haven’t been in a classroom for five years, you can’t be in one ever again. No more problem, right?"

Except, well...BIG problem, as she goes on to elaborate. This has swiftly mutated to something very much other than the original reasoning: In the eyes of the LAUSD, the library is not technically a classroom, and librarians are not technically teachers (although according to Mizz Murphy, their contracts say otherwise). What a disgrace. This is a perfect case of how standardizing a rule to the extreme can swiftly spiral out of control when we stop thinking about what the rule was intended for in the first place.

To make things worse, the questions they are asking the librarians to answer are unbelievably asinine. To assert that the Dewey Decimal System is numerical, so librarians couldn't possibly have adequate knowledge of ELA is laughable. To imply that librarians do not teach is grossly disturbing.

It seems that they are creating a bunch of B.S. to reach an end goal of getting rid of librarians. They're hiding behind this crazy process of discrediting a whole group of people, forcing them to defend their competency, so they don't have to come right out and reveal their motives. Haven't they been observed by administrators? Haven't they been doing their job, and doing it well? If this is a question of meeting a bottom line, or balancing a budget, then please, do them a favor and be honest. To do otherwise is scary, and in the words of my husband, "dangerous thinking". I'm inclined to agree.

It seems the plight of the library media specialist is growing exponentially...almost as quickly as new technology explodes on the scene. When will those in charge realize that library media specialists hold the key to harnessing the power of new technology? When will it become clear that we are discrediting these invaluable resources of information literacy when we need them more than ever? I was devastated over my job, but at least I didn't have to endure this.

My heart goes out to you, colleagues. Chins up, stay strong. My thoughts are with you.

Life off track.

I am at a total, complete, all-encompassing crossroads in my life.

This weekend, we went to Boston to celebrate Allie's graduation from Northeastern. It felt so good to get away. I think I'm a lot in love with that city, mostly because it reminded me a little of Europe and how I felt when I was there, full of promise. Boston is clean, and historic, and exciting.

It feels like opportunity, vibrancy, potential. Seeing those new graduates, fresh-faced and ready to take on the world, felt like that, too.

It made where I'm at right now even more poignant.

In the past few weeks, I've come to realize that I'm teetering on a very precarious edge. There are days when I come home from work and simply cannot stop crying. There's also days when I can pretend that June isn't imminent, and I'm OK. I think if I wasn't an innately positive person, I would be in a full-blown depression. That's pretty scary for me to put out there. When I say I'm worried about the future, that's true, but I think it's more than that. I'm afraid that I'm not living up to my potential. I'm afraid that I've sold myself short by opting for safe, predictable routes all my life and now the universe is figuratively shaking me, urging me to wake up. I opted to take the route of school librarianship because it seemed interesting and I like children, and it was supposed to be stable, afford me a great schedule, and let me proceed in a nice orderly fashion possibly to a job in administration someday. It was easy. It was non-threatening. There were no big risks involved. And what the hell did it get me? Certainly not stability. Certainly not predictability. Please don't mistake, I LOVE my job right now. But is it what I'm meant for? Could I seek it out to do all over again somewhere new? I just don't know anymore.

In short, I have absolutely no clue what I'm supposed to do with my life. I've completely lost my purpose.

Sometimes I think I should try to write for a living. Sometimes I think I should bake, or paint, or run away and backpack across Europe and do odd jobs for money. At this weekend's graduation, the president of the college said something to the effect of, "You're young. Now is the time to take risks. What is there to lose?" What is there to lose? Doug and I have no children. We are 27 years old. We have a house, sure, but it can be sold. We have possessions that can be stored. We have nothing tethering us except our families and our friends. Maybe we should move away, live in a city, scrape by for awhile but do something we're passionate about and have some fun. Maybe we should drive across the country. Maybe we should join the Peace Corps. Maybe we should do something, anything, that we can look back on and say, "Now that was a grand adventure. That was living."

No matter what I do, I don't think I can work another school, at least not right away. The thought of setting up a new library, meeting new students, working and trying and building relationships with an entire school of children breaks my heart. I just know that I will see the faces of the little ones I've come to adore in every new face. I know I cannot replicate the  lessons I've worked on with a whole new environment. It's almost like I have to put my time in the elementary library into a sort of shrine, to look back and admire and reminisce but not to try to duplicate. I applied for a school library job, but I don't think I want it, even if it's the smart thing to do. I just don't have it in me.

For now, my safe, smart, predictable side is at war with my desire to run away for awhile and do something crazy. I'm so afraid of living in regret. For now, I've made the decision to stop applying for jobs. I need to step away. I need to take some time to reassess my life goals, to realign my inner compass that's currently spinning wildly out of control. No matter where it lands, it will be a change...and a change is what I need.